A Glorious Invitation: into to Kenwick Fantasy Football

Welcome one, welcome all
to the greatest fantasy league of all,
but this is soccer, or footy,
not your father’s football.

You see before you a creation
of true divine inspiration,
a union more self-important
than the United Nations.

This is the unification
of the Blog of the generation,
and a League so exclusive
it requires invitation

You’ve followed rumors and rumblings,
to a website so humbling
it makes Shakespeare’s great folios
seem a lunatic’s mumblings

And like a train on a rail,
or a cross from Gareth Bale,
you’ve arrived at the target
for whose shore you set sail

So hang on to your trousers
as your eyes meet your browser,
be you Gooner, Red Devil,
Hotspur, Citizen, or Scouser.

What so proudly you hail:
The blogosphere’s Holy Grail,
F and A, EFFIN’ A!
Kenwick’s on Football and Ail!

Thaaat’s right, ladies and gentlemen of the world, the Decision has been made, and the Kenwick Invitational Premiere League Fantasy Football League is finally taking its talents, and its illustrious and hitherto underground newsletter, to the Double You Double Ewe Double Yew.

For the longest time, Kenwick Invitational, so named for the borough in which it is headquartered, a mere 117 kilometers from London, and only a few stones’ throws (wait, isn’t stone a unit of weight?) from Manchester (St.) and the Midland (Ave.), has resisted the move to let the universe in on our private league. But charter member and blogger extraordinaire, Trish Murphy, recently touted an up-and-coming board game project (www.fedtothepigs.com) on one of her other blogs with immediate and resounding success, so after plenty of debate and hesitation it was decided it was high time to get in bed with this kingmaker. The most logical place being, of course, her Football and Ail Blog, where we will add to the Football, and certainly add to the Ail.

We are already 26 gameweeks into the 38 gameweek season, and since proper introductions are in order, let us now introduce the cast of characters that make up the ragtag teams in this league, from the bottom of the table to the top, …

Up first, and in last, where he has been since Clapton created the heavens and the earth, is Kane Olson, Ultimate Frisbee Champ but ultimate fantasy chump. This baby of the league is likely to spend one of his first days in a public bar buying drinks for the rest of the league. His team, the Citizens (so named for Orson Welles’ masterpiece and AFI’s #1 Movie of all Time, and NOT because he is a fan of Manchester City), is like Wolves: a bottom-of-the-table team that loses to pretty much everybody but for some reason continues to beat the creme de la creme. In this case I of course refer to league darlings pooponastick, against whom Citizens have pulled out 3 unlikely victories, including the now infamous “Essien Game” which derailed poop’s fabulous start to the season and proved a harbinger of things to come (more on that later). Your team may be shit, but against poop you always come up a rose, bud. (spoiler alert: it’s his sled)

In 11th place is Fabregas Your Face, led by Cheesehead Gooner, Brian Barrette. Brian’s tragic flaw (aside from being named for a girl’s hair accessory) throughout the season has been his insistence on keeping his namesake on the team through thick and thin, as, at least until lately, it’s been mostly thin. Brian has been firmly ensconced in 11th for almost the entire season, without even the possibility of moving up. After the results of the last few matches, however, things might get shaken up this week, as ‘Gas Your Face is finally within striking distance of 10th (even 9th) place. Of course, with great power also comes great vulnerability: he’s also finally in position to drop into last.

Also in potential position to drop into last place is 10th place Michael Vance, owner of Insane FC, the team with the craziest name. They hold the dubious distinction of being the only team whose 4-man bench has outscored his 11-man starting lineup, a feat which can only be mentioned in this article because of my incredible foresight to put it off for a few weeks until it finally came to pass last week, courtesy of Joey “Break Yeh Leg” Barton and Robert “Ice Planet” Huth. Mikey is also afflicted with Manchester United Supporter Syndrome (MUSS), a sad and unfortunate condition for which there is no known cure short of frontal lobotomy. “Oh no…I’m not goin’ without you, Mac. I wouldn’t leave you this way… You’re coming with me.” Just call me Chief.

She’s Sneaky. She’s Cute. And she’s only 364 days away from her next birthday. Meet Torrance Holzman and her 9th place Sneaky Owls United. Torri is a Newcastle fan, which makes her look like a referee in her black and white stripes, which inevitably means that Arsenal fans are going to bitch and moan about her. Although she is in 9th place, Torri is 4th in total points, and her unfortunate yet admirably realistic propensity for draws means that just a few well-placed Fantasy points could have seen her in the conversation near the top of the table, instead of languishing just above the beer zone.

Baño’s Boys, by Daniel Fletcher, is mired in 8th place partially due to his league high 1408 Points Against Total (PAT), but really also because of his disgusting condition. Kenwick’s other MUSSer, Fletch’s condition is so critical it has caused an unsightly ink stain to appear on his back in the form of a Manchester United crest. While doctors await a donor for a back transplant, Fletch is stuck in Louisville, home of the dirty Cardinals, so he occupies “Out of Town Guy” status, and is unknown by many of his Kenwick fantasy brethren.

Zed’s Red Baby, formerly Jaime Lee Krygiakos, formerly Jaime Lee Curtis, né Karounos’ Cronies, is the confused team of Mike Karounos. Stuck unremarkably in the middle of the table for pretty much all of the season, Mike and his unorthodox team of overlooked castaways have taken to changing their name at frequent points throughout the season, possibly just to see if anybody would notice. But to those who have been paying close attention, (for example someone who lives across the street from him) it comes as no surprise that, with an address of 311, Mike has “changed a lot and then some, some.” His most recent incarnation presumably is a tribute to Luiz SuareZ, Liverpool’s new striker from the Argentinean Canada.

So that’s the bottom half of the Kenwick Invitational table. The top half won’t be affected by this week’s outcomes, so we will meet Kenwick’s aristocracy in the near future. That’s coming up soon, along with several other developments, including the launching of the Kenwick Invitational Cup, the Kenwick Fantasy Football Association’s (KFFA) full statistical analysis of the season so far, and even a possible investigation into possible allegations of possible suspicious activity. J’accuse! Stay tuned!

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One Response to A Glorious Invitation: into to Kenwick Fantasy Football

  1. mike says:

    I looked at my roster and noticed nearly all the jerseys were red. Liverpool is my team, they are also red. Who's Zed? BW: Zed's dead baby, Zed's dead.

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